


Hidan dies and then attends his own funeral

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [13]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Arguments, Bogans, Gen, Gross, chainsaw gutsfuck, dont read unless you can stomach maggots, its better to hold them for people who need them, jfc they are all real DICKHEADS, kakuzu has a money fetish probably, please dont ever hold a funeral for someone who is immortal it will not end well, thank you, worst funeral ever really 0 out of 10 dont recommend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22366027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: In the most morbid segment yet, Hidan abstains from everything including eating and promptly dies. Kakuzu attempts to collect the life insurance.
Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/779466
Comments: 19
Kudos: 48





	Hidan dies and then attends his own funeral

During rush hour, Kakuzu was late because of roadworks. Roadworks was one of the top three things he hated the most in this world, besides cyclists and women. He’d driven three metres in fifteen minutes. 

Suddenly, in his briefcase, his alarm on his phone went off - the smooth jazz jingle that was the default setting for alarms on his phone. He used this one to get out of bed everyday. 

Ignoring the security cameras around him, as it was extremely illegal to be on the phone whilst driving, he bent into the passenger side and rummaged through his case. 

He pressed stop and saw that the title was ‘ _ Fasting _ ’ with a 30 day countdown timer. He frowned. Whatever that meant. 

Someone beeped their steering wheel behind him. He threw his phone next to him to drive another metre, then promptly forgot about what happened. 

***

“After today, I will not be seeing you again for sometime.” 

Deidara glanced up from his book, to find Hidan standing there, looking extremely serious and holding his Jashinism pamphlets. He then looked back down at his page, not caring. 

“Yeah, you tend to disappear whenever, really. Remember the other month you disappeared and didn’t pay your rent?” 

“Pfft. That was fucking years ago,” said Hidan, knowing full well it only happened a month ago. It was a very long and boring three months stuck in a dry riverbed. “Anyway - I will be engaging in a sacred fasting ritual for Lord Jashin for a month-” Deidara’s eyes glazed over at the mention of Jashin, “- Do  _ not  _ disturb me,” Hidan looked more serious than ever. Deidara bit his teeth, trying not to laugh as it sounded pretty fucking stupid. As a man of science, he contributed Hidan’s inability to die as some sort of bad luck to keep coming back to life. “Do you have any fucking questions?” 

“Yeah,” said Deidara, putting a piece of ripped paper as a bookmark on his page and closing the book. He crossed his legs on his lounge chair. “Where are you going to do this ritual?” 

Hidan pointed behind his shoulder. “My bed.” Two metres away was an old futon found on Gumtree which Hidan had been living on for a very long time. It usually had a folding wall covering it, but today Deidara was surprised to find the Kmart bedding was neatly made, instead of thrown back and twisted like it usually was. Hidan gave Deidara a pamphlet. 

“Here is more information for you, so don’t disturb me from when I start my fasting. Anything else you want to say before I start, or do you not fucking care?” 

Deidara put the pamphlet next to him - usually he would have thrown it in the bin but  _ maybe  _ not today. “Yeah - I was gonna say…” 

He stopped. Deidara didn’t usually falter - his social skills were top notch but his ‘being nice’ skills were not. “I want to thank you, yeah.” 

Hidan’s eyes narrowed. “For fucking what?” 

Deidara almost struggled to speak. It was hard to say something almost nice for once. In fact, Hidan was so not used to anyone being nice to him it looked as if Deidara was speaking a foreign language to him. “You know, it was  _ nice  _ of you to defend me against Zetsu the other week.” 

“Don’t kid yourself, princess. Any reason to pick a fight with someone I don’t like, and get away with it.” 

“You didn’t get away with it,” Deidara pointed out. “Zetsu cut your head off with his teeth.” 

Hidan scratched his chin. “Oh yeah. I forgot. Anyway. Stop talking to me now, it’s my lent time. I’m abstaining from everything this month. TV, Xbox, social interaction, eating, drinking, masturbating about the end of the world… and so forth. Just don’t be too loud when you and other stupid fucking housemate are wanking as it disturbs my meditation.” Hidan then went and sat on his futon. 

“I’m not gay with Master Sasori, yeah.” 

“Stop calling him ‘Master’ then. Fucking creep.” With that, Hidan gave him an up yours and pulled the foldable wall around his bed so Deidara got the point to stop talking to him. 

“Least I’m not married to a sugar daddy with money issues,” Deidara called out before putting the tv on as loud as he could. 

Hidan didn’t reply. 

All he had to do was sit there with his palms open, concentrating on nothing but his religion. 

***

About a day later, Kakuzu turned up to their unit, looking for Hidan. Knocking on the door several times didn’t work, so he opened the door himself. He saw Sasori right in front of him, staring like someone who hadn’t slept for a long time. He was Hidan’s other housemate who he barely saw, a taxidermist with hooded eyes from lack of sleep and nutrition. He was holding something in his hands. 

Kakuzu nearly had a heart attack and jumped, seeing Sasori only a few inches away from him. “Sasori, don’t do that.” 

“I can.” He replied, simply. “What do you want?” 

“I need Hidan to help me move some things in the shed. I have a back injury.” 

Sasori looked around, to where Hidan’s nest was, his neck twisting at an angle which possibly shouldn’t exist. “He’s busy. Here.” 

He then gave Kakuzu the piece of paper, which Kakuzu recognised as one of Hidan’s Jashinism pamphlets, folded into three and made with a terrible template in Microsoft Publisher. Kakuzu didn’t even look at it. 

Kakuzu could see Hidan’s shadow on the wall. “He’s not busy.” 

“He’s abstaining from anything for the next… twenty seven days. Including, as Deidara told me, masturbating about the end of the world. It’s in the brochure.” 

...Right. Kakuzu went past Sasori and moved the wall away to find Hidan’s shit lounge space - eg his ‘bedroom’. It looked exactly the same as it always did. A large symbol of his religion was drawn up on the wall in sharpie. The floordrobe consisted of most hoodies, singlets and gym gear. Kakuzu spotted a pair of grey jeans that were his. Smelly socks covered the lino like woolly snakes. 

Hidan, however, was sitting upright and cross legged on a neatly made quilt and pillow. His thumb and forefingers were touching on his knees, as if he was meditating. Kakuzu took three big strides to reach him across the room. 

“Oi,” Kakuzu clicked his fingers into Hidan’s eyes. “Wake up.” 

Kakuzu watched as Hidan opened one eye, and closed it again. 

“What else is he doing?” 

“No eating, no drinking for one month. No social interaction, no talking. He’s basically dead,” supplied Sasori. “Now excuse me. I have work to do.” He then left, banging the flyscreen shut behind him, leaving Kakuzu looking bewildered. 

***

Kakuzu went back to his shed, looking for what he needed. He could do this without his back injury. He’d taken his dog for a walk - Taki was getting old, and Kakuzu had no idea how old he was either. Hidan had swapped his xbox for Taki some years ago from someone who didn’t feed him. During the walk Taki had pushed hard enough, chasing a cat into a nearby creek. The leash had pulled and Kakuzu went tumbling down into the bushes. 

He possibly had a small crack in a vertebrae. In the amount of pain he was in, he honestly thought Hidan’s God would heal him of it. But he didn’t - as Kakuzu wasn’t the fanatical follower, just the other person in their stupid marriage. 

His back felt a little better after that. 

***

THREE WEEKS LATER 

_ Deidara // 10.23AM _

Hi yeah just letting you know Hidans dead - can you come and do that assessment thing where drs announced someone’s deceased? Thanx

Kakuzu was having a small break in his office, watching a YouTube clickbait video on Running on your own Amazon business and slowly eating through a free Subway sandwich that was given out at meeting today on a black platter. 

Kakuzu had gone up in the last few years in the financial industry, from bank manager to specialising in overdraft fees, and his aim was to increase them on unsuspecting poor people. He was writing a report saying that they could add miniscule transactions onto those who go into minus whenever they use their cards in shopping centres  _ and  _ then add the ten dollar withdrawal fee on top. This would give their company possibly an extra few million dollars per financial year. 

He stopped what he was doing and stared at his phone, not quite believing what Deidara had written. 

Usually people would freak out at the sight of this sort of message. But not Kakuzu. As a dickhead, he wouldn't care even if world war three started unless it affected him personally. He didn’t know what to say for around a minute. 

_ Kakuzu // 10.25AM  _

He's not dead. He's immortal remember? 

Deidara who was too lazy to type with one hand, called him up.

"He's definitely dead," Deidara said on the other end of the phone, sounding a  _ little  _ bit panicked. Definitely concerned. "If you don't come soon, the neighbours are going to call the police, yeah. There are maggots everywhere, he's gone purple and looks like he's going to explode, and not in an artistic way, yeah. It fucking smells like death around here and I've already vomited twice because of it. Get here right now." 

"You can pay for my taxi."

"Whatever, yeah.” Deidara hung up on him. Kakuzu sighed, wrapped the remainder of his Subway sandwich up and closed his laptop. 

“Mr Kakuzu,” A woman came in, without knocking. “You have a meeting in ten minutes which I have just scheduled-” 

"Please cancel,” said Kakuzu, putting his things in his briefcase. “My husband has just died." He pushed his way past her, but she held out a hand and held his arm to stop him. 

The woman looked shocked. "Oh my god, I am so sorry." He glared. 

Kakuzu was so nonchalant about it. He pulled his arm away, and stomped out of his office. 

***

He arrived outside Hidan’s place to see Deidara fiercely arguing with the neighbours, with other people on the street watching from the front of their houses with morbid curiosity on what was going on. Kakuzu slammed the taxi with force and threw some cash into the driver’s side, and then would ask Deidara for double later. The neighbour was the one who had one of the other halves of the unit complex which was on the corner of the street underneath a large Jacaranda tree. Kakuzu walked over, dodging the large amount of stinging nettles that had recently popped up on the front yard from the recent rains. 

"I’VE CALLED THE FUCKING DOCTOR!” Deidara bellowed into the man’s face. The other man, fat and balding, holding a beer and was covered in tattoos. The most bogan man on the street, probably. 

"If he doesn't bloody arrive anytime bloody soon, I'm calling the bloody police!" The bogan roared back. "I'm booking a bloody hotel for my wife tonight and YOU can bloody pay for it if you don't get the bloody body removed!" 

Deidara’s head turned fast, whipping the man with his long blond hair. “Kakuzu! See, old man, here’s the doctor I was telling you about.” 

"You are not a doctor, you work for the bloody bank?" the bogan sneered, looking at Kakuzu’s uniform. “Deidara, I am very VERY close to calling the bloody police and you will be bloody arrested.” 

Kakuzu scowled and took his lanyard off. “Hold.” He pushed his case into Deidara’s chest, ignored the protesting neighbour next to him and went inside. 

The wall to Hidan’s futon had been pulled back, either by Deidara or Sasori. 

Luckily, Kakuzu didn't have much of a sense of smell. 

Hidan hadn’t moved from his spot from when Kakuzu saw him last. His legs, criss crossed under his body, had somehow molded into each other. He must have been dead for at least two to four days, making it a state of initial decay. Although solid, Hidan’s blood had moved down south and made his waist down a dark purple. Usually muscular, the skin was now plump, the gases creating pressure on his skin, including on his face where he was not recognizable as the Hidan that Kakuzu knew. He must have only just started to smell - Deidara and Sasori must have kept the air conditioner on cold for them not to notice till today. It hit the back of his throat - a mixture of rotting decay and a touch of something sweet. 

Kakuzu watched as several maggots crawled around Hidan’s bulging mouth, the tongue swollen and sticking out. He knew if he looked in the ear cavity, there would be more maggots. 

“...Wake up.” 

Last month when Kakuzu rescued Hidan from the riverbank, Hidan told him that there was a way he could die, and that was from malnutrition. He’d only mentioned it as an offcomment while they were driving the lonely roads back home.

Kakuzu knew the human body could survive only a few weeks without food, and maybe a week tops without liquid. But Hidan simply wasn’t a normal  _ human being _ . He might have tiptoed across his home to get food or liquids to not arouse the suspicions of his housemates, then he might have survived. But Kakuzu knew that Hidan took his religion very seriously and would have stayed where he was until he rotted away. 

_ Maybe it was for the best.  _ The people he had slaughtered may have justice now.

But then Kakuzu remembered he was pretty bad too, when it came to keep people alive as well. 

That was when Kakuzu swore - unless it was a trick of the light - one of Hidan’s eyes open very slowly, and shut again, like the last time he had been around to see him. 

He went outside. 

"He's not dead." He announced to the bogan, who looked absolutely furious. 

"That's bloody it, I'm calling the bloody police." The bogan turned away, dialing triple zero into his phone and then speaking loudly to the operator. 

“What are we going to do about him, yeah?” asked Deidara, ignoring the shouting from his neighbours phone. Sasori had appeared, silent as ever, watching the curious onlookers from around the street. 

"I can skin him,” said Sasori. 

Deidara nodded, getting his tobacco pouch out from his shorts pocket. “Good idea. He can be put in a museum or something. Want one, Kakuzu?”

“Let the authorities deal with Hidan,” said Kakuzu, taking a hand rolled smoke from Deidara. “Don’t get involved.” 

Could Hidan truly be dead? Or were Kakuzu’s eyes playing up? He wore glasses for reading, but did not need them for anything else. He had no medical history of hallucinations. Only a car accident sometime ago. Not even a diagnosis of mental illness, even though he was a fucking physchopathic serial killer with a money problem. The only problems Kakuzu had were yellow fingernails from the one cig he had at night and he was allergic to bullshit. 

Other than that and the back injury from tumbling into the creek… clear bill of health. 

The police rolled up, whom Kakuzu didn’t know as it wasn’t Itachi or Kisame. A few minutes later a paramedic car arrived with a doctor. Before even going into the unit, the three of them watched while the police unrolled  _ Police Scene - Do Not Cross  _ tape and ravelled it around the Jacaranda tree and to the grubby letterbox with the junk mail overflowing it. 

Kakuzu flicked some ash away and wouldn’t move when the police told them to get out the area. 

“That’s our stupid housemate who’s dead,” Deidara pointed out, blowing ash into the police officers face. Kakuzu watched as he tried not to breathe the smoke in. “Although Kakuzu said he wasn’t dead, and he’s not good at being dead, yeah… I’ve seen his head on a platter.” 

The Officer chose to ignore Deidara; someone who did not know Hidan wouldn’t believe the shit he had done anyway. He went inside with the doctor and came back out on his own a minute later. 

“The subject is certainly deceased,” said the Officer, frowning at Kakuzu. “I don't know why you said he wasn't.” 

Kakuzu flicked the end of the smoke on the pavement, and trod on it with his foot, putting it out. 

“Believe me, officer - when I say he isn’t dead, he’s only fasting.” 

“And who are you in relation to the deceased?” 

“...” Kakuzu decided it was time to actually be slightly amusing, and say what Hidan called him. “The stupid fucking husband.” 

***

The body was removed by cleaners not long after that, and placed in a morgue. The futon was removed by council services. 

Kakuzu went back to the office after a day with Deidara and Sasori and going through Hidan’s things and putting them in a corner ‘just in case he ever came back to life’. 

He had been late to work again because of the usual roadworks, but was surprised to see on his desk some flowers and a card. It was one of those ‘My Condolences’ cards, with everyone’s signature scrawled in the middle. Some of which had sad faces. Kakuzu decided not to put them in the rubbish bin. 

He received a phone call not long after sitting down at his desk, but missed the call. He called voicemail. 

“ _ Hello Mr Kakuzu, how is your day going. We are saddened to hear of the loss of your partner - who had his own life insurance scheme. As the nearest relative, you will be receiving the funds from the payout on the account of his death- _ ” 

Say no more. Kakuzu dialed the phone number back so fast smoke could have came off his fingers. 

***

All he needed to do was supply the life insurance company - the cheapest one at that, too - with Hidan’s death certificate - which he could get by today as the office who supplied it for the territory was on the second floor of the building he worked, and Hidan’s policy document. He found in Hidan’s wallet the card with the numbers he needed, then went into his email and sifted through the endless Wish spam and found from a few years ago, the policy document stating his details. Hidan paid sixty a month, which guaranteed the nearest relative a $100, 000 payment. 

It was low for Kakuzu, but it was money. Money for him to grab onto. He even had a thought of having a money room in his townhouse, just an empty room filled with thousands of notes and just roll in it. Or he could have one of his investment properties converted into a sort of money palace.

***

Hidan’s funeral started off very boring. Kakuzu was still adiminent he was alive. The woman in charge of the service placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“I think, dear, you may have to go to someone about this grief. This service can help you say goodbye.” 

Kakuzu, of course, ignored her. It was almost a month from when Kakuzu last saw Hidan alive - and even though Kakuzu did visit the morgue for identification, the doctors there said the same thing:  _ You may have to talk to someone about this grief.  _

Kakuzu wasn’t a griefer. He would be getting the funds tomorrow for Hidan’s life insurance and still thinking of clearing the spare room to put cold hard cash in, and he could just sit there in it. 

They were in a small chapel in the cemetery where Kakuzu's reserved grave was, which was where Hidan was to be buried. It would have been better for him to be cremated - but Kakuzu knew that wouldn’t stop Hidan from dying. The small room was plain and white, with two large windows looking out to the cemetery. 

The coffin - made out of pine - was wheeled into the front of the room. There was no leaflet with memory. The woman requested photos, which Deidara copied and pasted from his Facebook and sent them over. They were now on a slideshow behind the coffin. A single paper rose sat on it.

There weren’t many photos, only around three. In one of them, Hidan was in the background of Deidara’s selfie putting the middle finger up. It was accompanied with beautiful piano music. Then there was one of Kakuzu and Hidan at Kakuzu’s birthday with Orochimaru sticking his long sliced tongue out. 

Kakuzu looked around, expecting Orochimaru to be in the chapel. He wasn’t. Not many people had turned up, as Hidan was not a likeable person. Pain and Konan appeared "just because", wearing black. Konan was wearing a rose in her hair. Deidara and Sasori sat in the front row.

***

Kakuzu, Deidara and Sasori gave extremely short obituaries. Sasori’s obituary was exactly one sentence long, while Deidara listed off the good things about Hidan: didn’t snore loudly, very hygienic and liked cats. Kakuzu then told everyone him and Hidan got married so Kakuzu could get out of jail. Everyone laughed, thinking it was a joke. But Kakuzu didn’t bother to correct them. He sat down, and the director came out again to announce that Hidan’s favourite song, Chainsaw Gutsfuck by Mayhem’s  _ Dawn of the Black Hearts  _ album, was to be played while everyone had a moment of silence. Everyone kept a straight face while the screams the most gruesome song played for two minutes. 

"Such a different funeral…" the woman in charge said, wiping a tear from her face. “Unique.” 

"It's what he would have wanted, yeah,” said Deidara to Kakuzu. “The worst funeral ever for someone who deserves to actually die.” 

Kakuzu then went back on the stage to talk about Hidan’s religion. He put his glasses on to read from his notes. 

“Hidan’s religion, as strange as it was, did revolve around death. In his pamphlets about Jashinism, they did not specify how a worshipper is buried. As you know, Hidan died from malnutrition, as a result of his religious…” Kakuzu stopped speaking, as a familiar jingle of his alarm started in his pocket. 

“...Fasting.” 

He got out his phone to find  _ Fasting -  _ 0:00. It all made sense now - Hidan must have started the timer off when he took his phone without looking… but how…?

It was then, Hidan kicked the coffin lid so hard he put his foot through it.

“What the  _ fuck _ , man!?” Hidan shouted, banging on the lid. “Get me fucking out of here!” 

Kakuzu dropped his phone and the microphone, and reached the coffin within seconds to pull parts of the coffin off, which had been sealed shut. Hidan’s body was rapidly composing itself - the blackened skin was reversing and going pale. The skeletal appearance was leaving him, and within half a minute, he was back to his old self. 

He opened one eye, and then yawned. 

"Shit, did I miss anything? Why am I here?” He swivelled in the coffin as if he was in a canoe, to see the slideshow which had briefly paused at the image of Kakuzu’s birthday party. “Ayyyy. That’s me and you.” 

“You died, you fucking idiot!” Deidara stood up and went up the steps to round on him, his ponytail looking almost frizzled with annoyance. He hit Hidan as hard as he could in the face, which left a mark. “Maggots everywhere, the  _ smell,  _ and some cleaners had to come remove you and take your body to a freezer, yeah.” 

There was a slump as the funeral director fell to the floor in the front row in shock. Kakuzu and Deidara grabbed Hidan from under the arms and pulled him upwards so he could get out of the coffin. He was completely naked except for a white cloth which fell off him. 

“I was going to be getting $100, 000 for your life insurance tomorrow," said Kakuzu.

“Should have organised that  _ after _ I died, dumbass,” he snarked back. The funeral director got up, brushing her knees and looking around hazily at Hidan. 

Hidan then went and sat in the front row, sat next to her, pale skin glowing. "I'm fucking here now. Carry on."

She blinked, and looked around. Nobody seemed to have blinked an eyelid that a corpse magically woke up at a funeral. “...Yes. We will put another piece of music on, before the coffin is taken away… for burial.” 

The woman got on stage, and fiddled with the slide to put the next song on:  _ Funeral Fog.  _

Kakuzu sat on the other side of Hidan, who then said dreamingly into Kakuzu’s ear while Mayhem screamed their pain away, "I can now think of the world ending.” 

“...I’d rather be stuck waiting at roadworks.” 


End file.
